Imbalance

Perhaps it's the little bit of Libra inside of me, or perhaps it's the constant requirement of human nature that drives the heart and soul, or perhaps it's the need for assurance and stability that unnerves me so when life is taken out of balance. Nothing healthy comes out of anything in excess. As they say, everything in moderation.

This not only equates to inappropriate habits such as binge drinking, but can also be from worrying too much, eating too little, lack of sleep, and perhaps even too much optimism. Recent situations have made me reflect on this idea of balance in life. We walk a fine line, especially in relationships, with the give and take. It's good to give and necessary to take.

I've always found it difficult to accept gifts and rewards without reciprocating, but that's something I need to continue working on - I have gotten better in the last yew years. I've also found it slightly irksome when I give but do not receive in return. This is something that I have learned from very early on, though, and doesn't bother me as much. I can live with that knowing that I have done something out of the goodness of my own heart and that the joy I have created will spread and work its wonders without need for reciprocity. The feeling of success in spreading positivity is reward enough, though this is sometimes obscured by the practicality of the world we live in. But what is bothering me now involves sacrifice.

I was recently mediating a conflict between friends who are dating, and many of their issues derived from differences in perspective (how they view each other), maintaining baggage, and not being able to see eye to eye. Though they have much to work on, they have both agreed to do their best, try harder to understand the other, improve their negative habits, and attempt to talk things out. I'm proud of them, but they have a long road ahead.

I've always considered my self compassionate and caring, but in a healthy relationship, I expect the same amount of devotion that I give. I usually have no problem with this, but since being in medical school, this has become slightly more bothersome. At first, I would take time for granted because distance was not an issue. Then, I used to give thanks for every second I had to spend with my love, and I still do. However, recently, my feelings feel hurt because my hope and expectations have been crushed due to the practicalities of the world. I am a big believer in the saying, 'Where there's a will, there's a way," so that sometimes obscures my vision and biases my thoughts to expect 110% dedication and sacrifice. As a medical student, I find it quite difficult to allocate my time and focus properly, but will do the impossible (in my head, anyway) to make it off this forsaken island to visit those I love, be it family or significant other. However, perhaps my situation is unique in that no one truly comprehends it unless they've lived it.

Medical studies are strenuous and demanding; no one would ever question that. But no one can really understand the erosion this life has on one's personal psyche, aura, health, and overall well-being unless you go through this horrific gauntlet yourself. The life I have chosen has led me to become even more dependent on external sources for joy, love, and hope. I never completely question my existence any more and know that I will continue to live happily, but it would be nice to have my loved ones truly appreciate the sacrifices I make and reciprocate appropriately. Perhaps they just don't understand my current needs. I do consider myself a needy person, but that is sometimes incredibly exacerbated by the daily stresses that medical school so unquestionably provides.

I'm sure I have a lot of growing to do still, and perhaps my heart and soul have been rendered sensitized and tender to life's constant blows because of my life choices, but I wish my strength didn't have to be spread so thin to combat multiple facets of this world all at once. I need my steady ground, but when the rug is swept from underneath me, I fall to the ground, and fall hard. Maybe I should invest in an ethereal helmet and knee-pads.