On Being Touchy-Feely

So I'm sure I've written about this before, but I seem to have this instinctive need for physical contact, be it friendly, familial, or romantic. I've spoken with a few of my close friends about it, and I think I've figured out that it stems from my upbringing. My parents were very loving and nurturing in an emotional and physical sense. I can recall times when my parents would nuzzle up next to me to wake me when I slept late on a Sunday, or times where my entire family curled up next to each other on my mom and dad's king-sized bed in order to watch a movie together. At church, my mother would often nudge me to put my head onto her shoulder and we would all hold hands during the communion prayer. My father always liked to give me shoulder massages and wouldn't hesitate to wrestle me as a kid, but we always hugged it out after. Even when I got older, my mother would still kiss me in public, to my teenage disapproval, but I outgrew the shame and have no fear in reciprocating today. I noticed that as I was growing up and my little sister got older and I took on a guardian role, I would constantly hold her hand while we were going places.

Up until college, this was all commonplace, but when I first went away for school, I didn't receive the loving familial touch I was accustomed to on a daily basis and it crushed me. I don't think I've completely gotten over the lack of 'welcome-home hugs' or 'best of luck kisses' and it bothers me at times when I find myself emotionally distraught - most recently due to the turmoils of medical school. Upon explaining this, including the degree of familial displays of affection, some of my friends think I'm insane. And perhaps it does make me 'needy' or odd, but it makes me unique. And while I may seem like a hug whore, it's because I yearn to be loved and proven so through physical means. I can't help it ...

I bring this up because I went to check out an event that a school organization set up to promote healthier lifestyles. It was a nice day out and I wanted some fresh air after not having left my apartment for three days because of studying (sad ...). After about a half hour, I started to get somewhat emotional from seeing my classmates that I hadn't seen in a long time, to the point where I went and hugged all three fellow second-year students there. Upon doing so, each one of them gave me some of the best hugs I've ever gotten ... it was incredible. Not only was it satisfying to me and filled my pot, as they say, to obtain that friendly intimacy that I often desire, but it was also quite invigorating and thought-provoking. Let me elaborate.

I've found it intriguing that many Americans avoid hugging, and it's made even worse with males. However, here I was with three other guy classmates all around the same age, and who pulled me closer than usual hugs. To some degree, I think they also share feelings of loneliness and depression from the ardor of our medical education. So much was felt and expressed in such a simple yet meaningful gesture. I felt their own personal struggles through our embraces, and honestly I think we shared a bit of our strengths in those fleeting moments. It was almost magical; especially hugging M. M is one of the few straight male friends I have that has no qualms or hesitance to engage in platonic displays of affection. His hugs are better than most of my female friends and top some of my lover's embraces, but that's due to height differences. M has no problem in hugging me tightly and having our faces touch, cheek to cheek. While there are no romantic feelings between us, the sense of friendship and love is incredibly strong. Perhaps it's just that we are incredibly vulnerable from the constant stress of our medical training ... or perhaps it's that we both share something in common that we do not yet comprehend. Either way, I am saddened that the coming month will only separate us more because of the dreaded Step 1 exam and that our rotation schedules are completely different. However, I do look forward to spending time with him in the future and continuing to grow in friendship, trust, and wisdom. Cheers to good friends :)