Fits of loneliness

[NOTE 1: Not actually an emo post.]
[NOTE 2: This was written over a period of ~2 weeks.]

It's hard to describe, but randomly, or maybe not so randomly, I can feel terribly alone. Perhaps this is the outcome of bottled up emotions that need the right person to vent, a bad day at work in combination with other irritating factors, or something happens to rub me the wrong way. Regardless, I feel as if some resource is currently unavailable - a horrible feeling of being trapped. The worse part is that I'm consciously aware of all of those who are around me who care so much, but still manage to feel empty or lacking something or someone. This has been ongoing since I my high school days, and has been getting better, but unfortunately, hasn't disappeared.

I think part of it has to do with a dependency of physical contact. If you know me, at least somewhat, you'd know I'm a very big fan of hugs and, generally, showing emotions in a physical sense. Part of this stems, at least I think it does, from growing up in a household and family that was constantly hugging and kissing and snuggling, etc. It's not a strange thing to me to go curl up in a blanket with my sister to watch a movie or anything like that. And from being that way for many years of my life, and then having that suddenly gone, was a bit of a shock. It's one of the things that made adjusting to schooling difficult. I had to stop trying to hug and being in personal spaces throughout middle school, and then when my daily kiss, hug, and 'welcome back, how was school?' greeting from my mommy was gone, adapting to college was even more difficult.

To a certain point, I feel like I lack that constant physical contact of love and caring every now and then, and combined with other crappy feelings, causes a snowball effect. Now ... I just have to figure out how to either prevent this from happening, or stop it in the early stages. I've been good about keeping it under control, but now and then I get this horrible urge to cry for no apparent reason. And while I can count the number of times this has occurred in the past few years on one hand, it's still not a happy situation.

Hmm ... it seems writing has somehow allowed me to understand myself better. I'm glad I decided to start a blog.